The Terrible Tragedy That is Transformers Three

It was insanely difficult to find a movie poster for this review. Either it's a sign that I should not be posting what is going to be a hate filled slur towards Michael Bay -- okay, I'm am somewhat exaggerating -- or, this was a sign that this movie should never have existed. At least not with Michael Bay behind the camera. Of the 15 movies the guy has directed I've slightly enjoyed two of them: The first Transformers and The Rock.

Preface: My History With Transformers . . .

I have none.

As a kid growing up in Toccoa, Georgia I had no love for Transformers. I don't remember ever having Tonka toys. If I did I can't recall any significant memories about them. I never remember having any Transformers toys. Even as a kid I can recall having memories that vehicle toys were pointless. I mean all the frakkin things did was roll around. There's not a lot of imagination that you can put into that. I had a slew of He-Man, Ghostbusters, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys. Man, those toys created for some good times. I even remember having some BraveStarr toys. The sad things is that I haven't met anyone that remembers BraveStarr. I'm pretty sure that cartoon created my love for the western genre.

Going into Transformer movies I have no inherent love for the franchise. There's nothing special about it to me. Therefore, it doesn't pain me to say that I haven't loved any of the movies.

The first Transformers movie was decent.

The second Transformers movie was  a disaster.

The third Transformers movie was overly long and had so many pointless moments I wanted to spit my Coke at the screen. I don't make such statements lightly. I love Coca-Cola.

The Review: The Terrible Tragedy That is Transformers Three . . .

Now, the movie wasn't completely terrible. Shia LaBeouf is an actor who has potential. I think he can really turn into something someday. I'm not sure if he'll become great. But I enjoy him in what I watch. My problem with the guy is he plays the same type of character in every movie. I would love to see him take on a movie that would challenge his abilities. The good thing about the Transformers movies is that they've given him a name, and he can take risks with the films he chooses. Leonardo DiCaprio did that after Titanic. I think he's benefited from that. Not sure if Shia will take the same path.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was nice to look at. It bothered me that in her posing shots she wore stilettos, but during the action scenes she wore flats. I hate flats. They make a woman look so frumpy. I love heels. Sexxxxy! Another thing that bothered me is that through all the disaster she went through she came out without scratch, without bruise, unscathed, and sexy as hell. Give. Me. A. Break. This blame I place at the feet of Michael Bay. He doesn't know how to make a believable movie. All he knows how to do is make a film look pretty. Bright lights. Big explosions. Action shots with quick cut aways are his specialty. In every film he's made he has a hot babe that remains hot not matter what. I like it when my heroines get dirt under a nails. Women get sexier the dirtier they get. Evangeline Lily from Lost was sexiest when she was covered in mud and dirt. Rosie walking out of collapsed buildings unscathed made me shake my head.

The plot of the movie was pointless as were every human actor. The only point of this movie was to have as many poses of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, have Shia LeBeouf scream like a banshee, actions scene where stuff gets blown up, and Autobots and Decepticons battle to the death.

Transformers length was absurd. My wife and I went into the movie at 7:50 PM. We didn't get out of the movie until near 11 o'clock. Michael Bay needs to learn that if your movie is going to exceed two hours you better have a damn good reason. He did not. I wanted to pound my head on the seat in front of me. Arrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!

The most terrible thing about Transformers was Michael Bay. He doesn't know how to make a movie. He knows how to make music videos. That's what the guy did before he got into making pictures. His method of movie making is to make a two hour music video. If I wanted to watch a music video I'd sit down and turn the t.v. to MTV. Oh wait, they don't even show music videos anymore.

This movie isn't worth your time. If you want to watch a Shia LeBeouf movie watch something else. If you want to see it for Rosie Huntington-Whiteley go to Google images instead.Your time can be better spent.

Grade: D-

Next week, if I can talk my wife into it, we may go see Horrible Bosses.

The rest of July is going to be a good month. Three straight weeks I'll have my butt in theater seats at my local Cinemark. July 15th is the final Harry Potter movie, July 22nd is Captain America: The First Avenger, and July 29th is Cowboys and Aliens (the second movie I'm most excited about this Summer).

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Words for Readers: Horns

I've never had to make a vow to not read a book before I went to bed. Until recently. Joe Hill has a special ability where he's able to freak me out. This sort of accomplishment is not easily done. I'm a trickster by nature. I work at a parking garage as a valet. I like to hide in places - i.e. the back seat of cars - and scare my co-workers. Many of them have tried their damndest to scare me in return, and nearly all have failed. What I'm saying is, I don't scare easy.

I didn't develop a love for the horror genre until recently. Two writers helped me fall in love with the art form: Stephen King (duh!) and a less well known writer, Dan Wells. Stephen King needs no introduction. Dan Wells is one of three hosts of the podcast Writing Excuses. His debut novel was one of the first horror stories I ever read. It's called "I Am Not A Serial Killer." (<--- Click the title) After reading both of the guys I decided horror wasn't at all like the poor imitation served out by Hollywood. You know, the thousands of Jason movies or silly Saw movies. Horror could really get in your head and take you for a fun ride.

Somehow or another, I'm not really sure, I found out about Joe Hill. If you don't know Joe is Stephen King's middle child, and has inherited his father's talent for scaring the crap out of people. I dare say that he may have taken to the family business a little better than his dear ol' dad.

The plot for "Horns" is pretty straight forward. The main character, Ig, wakes up hungover on the anniversary of his girlfriend's murder. He quickly notices a change about himself. He has horns growing out of his head. With the new addition to his body come a few special abilities.

I'm not sure which horror writer said this but I once read, "Monsters aren't scary. People are." That's the thing about "Horns." The emotional ride that Joe Hill takes you on is more terrifying than the fact that Ignatius Perrish has devil horns growing out of his head. Sure, that's freaky. But the feelings of pain and anguish that Ig feels over his lost love is more more horrifying. The fact that people to crazy things to hurt others makes me cringe more than the knowledge that a dude has horns coming out of his head.

This book showed a lot of maturity for Joe Hill. His debut novel "Heart-Shaped Box" was a fun read, but there were things that could have been better. While reading "Horns" I noticed that Joe doesn't even read like the same writer. The work that he's put into the improvement of his craft really shines. Joe seems to be a jack of all trades. His comic run with "Locke & Key" is one of the best things going on in the comic industry, and his novels are scary fun.

Okay, one final thing, I know a lot of people won't read Stephen King because of his tendency to be wordy. I'm mean, for real, the guy can take a three-hundred page story and stretch it out over a thousand pages with minimal effort. This seems to be something Joe didn't inherit from King. He's not wordy or descriptive in the same way as his dad. His novels are easily read and can be plowed through rather quickly. Being an avid fantasy reader, Stephen King's wordiness doesn't bother me. However, it is nice to sit down with a novel that isn't a huge tome. Sometimes three-hundred page stories are much more entertaining that the ones that stretch out over thousands of pages. Brevity plays a big factor in that.

I'm rambling. If you're looking for some fun (scary) summer reading then check out "Horns." It's a helluva good time. No pun intended.

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The Wonder of Super 8

I love movies filled with wonder. I believe the master of wonder has always been Steven Spielberg. Three of my all time favorite movies are from his catalogue. They are: JAWS, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, and E.T. The awesome thing about each of these movies is that they're about more than monsters, and they're about more than aliens, these movies are about people. All three of these movies are about people put in wonderful, or terrifying, situations. You follow these people and you feel their fear and excitement. You feel their hurt and their pleasure. You fall to the bottom with them, and you rise to the top with these characters.

One of my favorite moments from JAWS is when Chief Brody, Sam Quint, and Matt Hooper set out on Quint's boat to finally get rid of the shark. One night out at sea they're sitting together at a table, they've had a few shots, and Quint and Hooper begin to trade stories. They recollect every scar on their bodies and how they came to bear that badge. There is so much humanity in that situation and is a perfect build up for the final show down with the Great White. Super 8 has a moment like that, but I'll talk about that later.

It's been a long time where a Science-Fiction movie has taken kids and thrust them into the main roll of the movie. It's also been a long time since a Science-Fiction movie has filled me with awe. Joe Hill tweeted Friday night,

"No, but seriously: SUPER 8 is the happiest I've been in a movie since I was 9 and saw E.T. for the first time."

And he's right! I don't know if SUPER 8 will stand the test of time in the same way E.T. has. They're different movies. Super 8 is more about the characters than it is about the alien. I can already tell you there are going to be people complaining that the alien didn't get enough screen time, or J.J. Abrams didn't reveal it early enough. I don't get that. It annoys me that people feel like the thing needs to be flaunted, and put out front. One of the scariest things about JAWS is that you hardly ever saw the damn shark. There were startling moments during Super 8, where I nearly jumped out of my seat, and you never saw the alien. You caught short glimpses of him, maybe an arm, or maybe a quick shot of the face, but there was never a drawing back of the curtain. It thrilled me and captivated me. I watched in anticipation waiting for the next encounter, and I never gave a flip about whether or not there was a full frontal of the alien.

The movie is a love story. It's J.J. Abrams love story to Spielberg. It's about a boy and a girl discovering what love feels like for the very first time. It's about a man who's lost his love. It's about a father and a son, a daughter and her daddy, finding love that they've been without. It's about a kid's love for movies and his desire to make it his best.  Super 8 is exciting and will cause you to fall in love with each of its characters.

Finally, the movie is a mystery. It angers me that so many people have told me they won't see this movie because they don't know enough about it. Critics have predicted the movie's financial failure because the trailers didn't contain enough spoilers. At what point did we lose our sense of mystery and wonder? Why do we feel like we need to know how a movie is going to end before we decide if we see it? Why does Hollywood feel the need to spoil the climax of every movie with each new trailer? Even books nowadays are spoiled because the complete story is told in the synopsis. Not too long ago I was at the bookstore and  was interested in reading a book. I picked it up, glanced at the back, as I was reading what it was about the ending was revealed in the short synopsis. I put the book down and refuse to read it. A girl once told me that she doesn't read a book until she reads the last chapter first. Have people lost all desire for adventure? Is there no desire to go on a journey without knowing the road blocks you may encounter?

Super 8 is my favorite movie I've seen so far this summer. I'm excited for the day it comes out on DVD. I haven't bought a movie released to DVD since INCEPTION. It'll be nice to add this to my collection. This is a movie you'll want to see.

Next week I'm debating on whether or not I should see Green Lantern. I'm afraid for this movie.

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The Evolution of Xavier's Gifted Youngsters

Growing up my introduction to X-Men was the cartoon that ran from 1992-1997. Cartoons were my introduction to so many wonderful comic book characters. Besides the '89 Batman, with Keaton and Nicholson, a favorite cartoon was Batman: The Animated Series. Batman: TAS ran from 1992-1995. I have volume 1 on DVD, and watch it periodically. Kevin Conroy is the definitive Batman. Mark Hamill is the greatest voice actor to interpret The Crown Prince of Crime. One day when they make The Dark Knight Returns into a movie Mark Hamill would be the best choice of actor to bring the Joker back to the silver screen.

In 2000 the first X-Men movie was released. I was 16 years old. I was thrilled. I can remember that my mom took my brother and I to the theater, and the place was packed. Even though Hugh Jackman would not be my choice for Wolverine now at the time he was a dream come true. I was finally getting to see one of my favorite comic heroes on the big screen. Looking back X-Men hasn't withstood the test of time. The second installment, X2, has done a little better. The Last Stand is to the X-Men franchise that Batman Forever and Batman & Robin are to The Dark Knight's movie franchise. I thought the X-Men were dead after The Last Stand. That movie was horrid. I remember being offended after spending money to see that movie. Even now I fill disdain.

A few months ago I first heard about X-Men: First Class. Honestly I had no intention of seeing it. I figured that Marvel and Fox Studios (Fox Studios is my least favorite movie maker) were grasping at straws, and decided to jump on the band wagon of origin stories. Afterwards I ignored any news about this movies.

Weeks ago I saw the first trailer for the movie. I think I was seeing Your Highness. That was back in April. I decided then that maybe I should give X-Men: First class a second thought. Then my wife and I went to see The Adjustment Bureau - if I remember correctly - and this was when I saw the second trailer for First Class. It was then that I came to a conclusion that this was a must see for my summer.

On to my thoughts . . .

This movie has one of the best beginnings. Immediately we are introduced to Erik Lensher. A kid named Bill Milner plays a teenaged Erik. He has no thoughts about one day becoming Magneto. He's never me Charles Xavier. He doesn't even no he can manipulate metal. He's a scared kid who wants to be near his mom. When they're separated we see what type of potential Erik has when he destroys a big metal gate. Enter Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon). I believe Kevin Bacon is at his best when he plays a villain. Remember Sleepers? He was one effed up dude in that one. Here he's wanting to bring to surface Erik's abilities, and he'll do whatever it takes. This scene is one of the most powerful of the movie. I was awed, saddened, and sympathetic for Erik after this scene. Many applauds to Bill Milner. Wonderful performance.

Charles Xavier is going through life differently. He's in college trying to get his PhD. He's a party boy using his telepathy to pick up girls. James McAvoy has come a long way since he pranced around with hooves in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Some might hear this as blasphemy but I prefer his Xavier to Patrick Stewart's. Xavier seemed more human after watching McAvoy's performance. Patrick Stewart had the look for Xavier, but I felt like his performance was soulless. James brought soul and life to the one day leader of X-Men. I read that people would not accept this movie if James McAvoy could not bring Patrick Stewart to the viewer's mind. He did bring Stewart to my mind. I kept thinking about how superior he was throughout the movie.

The rest of the cast is spot on. I especially loved Nicholas Hoult as Beast, Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique, and Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee. It was fun watching the evolution of each of these kids throughout the movie. Seeing the become comfortable with their mutation, and grow in skill with their powers was one of the highlights of the movie. January Jones was beautiful as Emma Frost. I've been infatuated with her since the first time I watched Mad Men. She's dethrones Scarlett Johansson, for me, as the sexiest woman in Hollywood. The only problem is that she acted more like Betty Draper, in this movie, than Emma Frost.   Emma is not only sexy but she's witty. As Emma, January was sexy but her performance was stiff.

The story was exciting and the missile crisis of 1962 was an intriguing way to introduce these characters. Watching Xavier and Erik's friendship bud, bloom, and wither was a painful pleasure. Fassbender and McAvoy made you believe in this friendship. Even though you knew the inevitable was going to happen at the end of the movie you hope that they'll save it for the sequel. Picking out how different pillar's of the X universe came to be was fun. Each moment was like a lightbulb. Finding the origin of different factors of the X-World was better than a game of Where's Waldo.

I believe this is my favorite movie of 2011 at the moment. It had all the ingredients of a summer movie should have: entertainment value, fun filled, humor, an exciting story, and a great cast.

Grade: A+

Next weekend Super 8 finally hits theaters. I. Can't. Wait. I've been waiting for over a year. J.J. Abrams is one of my favorite modern movie directors. Alien movies from the 60s and 70s are some of my favorite movies. Especially aline movies made by Spielberg. J.J. Abrams says this movie is his homage to all those great Steven Spielberg science-fiction movies. My prediction is that Super 8 will be my favorite movie of the summer. I hope it lives up to the prediction. Here's the trailer:

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Words for Readers: Locke & Key, Your Doorway to a Wonderful Comic Series

I've been reviewing movies on the blog for a while. I read a number of books a year and thought it'd be a good idea to use the blog as a place to review the books and comics I read. 

I've already posted my review to my Goodreads account. I'll copy/paste it below:

LOCKE & KEY: WELCOME TO LOVECRAFT is a prime example of why I love comic books. Usually when I read a comic book I like to take it slow, break it up over a couple of days. I was to digest the story and the art. Once I opened this book and peered into the first pages I ate up L&K like a t-bone cooked to perfection.

Joe Hill deals a thrill ride from page 1. The story focuses on the Locke kids. They've been through a tragic time in their life and move to Keyhouse on Lovecraft Island just off of the coast of New England. To find out the rest of the story you need to find your local comic shop and buy this. You won't be disappointed. If you are I'll gladly pay your money back. I only make that offer on books I believe in, and I believe in this series. I only wish I had bought the rest of the series along with the first two volumes.

One thing that really shines about this story is the dialogue. The story is a gem, the artwork is so beautiful, and the dialogue tastes like a good cigar. Comics can be a frustrating medium because the dialogue isn't always up to par. Joe Hill didn't let me down. I will return to this comic again and again and again.

If you've never read comics - or believe that it's literary trash - this would be a great doorway into this medium of literature. The awesome thing about comics is that it's the only form of literature that stimulates both sides of your brain. Eat that, literary snobs! Ha! 

Tomorrow my wife and I are going to see X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. I'll post the review tomorrow afternoon.

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The Hangover 2

I put a lot of thought into my blog titles. I like for them to be clever. Unfortunately I can't think of anything witty for this post. Therefore, it's simply titled "The Hangover 2."

My wife and I have just returned to our apartment after seeing the second addition to this franchise. I'm in limbo. I can't decide if this sequel was funnier than the first. It is more outrageous for sure. Zack Galifianakis is possibly the funniest man alive. He outdid himself and "The Hangover part 2" is worth seeing for that fact alone.

Ken Jeong gets a little more screen time in this movie. The guy is hilarious. If they do a third one I would like for him to be throughout the whole movie. I think they should do one more movie. Complete these movies as a trilogy. What would be more than icing on the cake than if Alan got married? He would then be the alpha dog of his wolf pack. Anyway, I was talking about Ken Jeong. He and the monkey are really the only competitors for funniest person in the movie that Galifianakis had. Don't get me wrong Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms dish out the laughter, but Zack, Ken, and the cigarette smoking monkey own this film.

You can expect this movie to basically follow the same story line as the first movie. If you're going to see the writers do something new with this movie you're going to be disappointed. However, if you're going to laugh your ass off you will get a belly full. This movie and its predecessor are the only movies that kept me laughing from beginning to end in a long time. Probably because, other than "Dumb and Dumber," they're about as close to my sense of humor as a movie can get.

If you don't like your humor, rude, crude, and uncalled for then you should skip this all together.

Overall I give "The Hangover part 2" an A- on the verge of a B+. Full of laughs but nothing we haven't already seen.

Okay, side bar. I'm an avid viewer of movie trailers. If there's a movie I'm really excited about I'll view the trailer dozens of times. I can't even tell you how many times I watched the trailer for "The Dark Knight." When trailers for "The Dark Knight Rises" finally arrive you can bet I'll watch every trailer about a hundred times. I've been following all the news for the newest Batman since I saw "The Dark Knight."

Tonight before Hangover was a trailer for a remake of "Fright Night." Honestly, it looks like it has a lot of potential. Granted I've never seen the first. Now, this trailer could be deceptive, and the movie be a stink fest. I hope not because it looks cool. I've added the original to my Netflix. If I'm going to see a remake I need to be able to judge it against the original. I've included the trailer for the new "Fright Night" below. Am I right or wrong? Full of potential or full of sh. . .

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By The Power of Thor You've Been Thunderstruck

It's one of my favorite times of the year: Summer movie season. All the big blockbusters that I spend one to two years waiting for are finally getting released. I'm more of a fan of the big budget summer movies than I am the low budget independent movies. Don't get me wrong. There are some great independent releases. Moon - a 2009 independent Science Fiction movie - is one of my favorite Sci-Fi movies I've seen. A movie like 127 Hours, on the other hand, I slept through over half of.

Last year I chronicled about six months worth of movie going. I got lazy the second half of the year, and didn't continue my movie journey with you guys. I've caught a lot of flack for that. I apologize. I didn't realize I had such faithful readers. That's what comments are for, people. I'm self indulgent and enjoy attention. If you like a blog. Let me know. Anyway, on to the review.

I'm a huge fan of comic books. Have been since I could look at pictures. One day when I become a successful writer I would like to segway into the writing of comics. Currently I'm reading Preacher by Garth Ennis. It's one of the most exciting, and most disturbing, comics I've read. I want my uncle to snag this part if it ever makes it to film. Check out his IMDB page, James Jarrett. Once you've done that check out his movie Dance of the Dead. Uncle James stars as Gravedigger. One day he'll be remembered as a legend among zombie slayers.

This weekend, for Mother's Day, I took my mom to see Thor. The year 2008 was a revolutionary year for comic movies. The Dark Knight changed the way that people looked at movies based upon comics. It changed the way these movies could be made. Comic movies, like comic books, can be serious and adult oriented. Read Watchmen, The Killing Joke, and The Dark Knight Returns. Those, my friends, are not your run of the mill comics. They're game changers. Alan Moore is my favorite comic writer. He's the Herman Melville of the comic industry. He's crazy but will blow your mind. The last two years or so have been weak years for comic based movies. It's sad to say. However, I think Thor is the best comic movie since The Dark Knight.

Let me get to Thor. This movie was awesome. It starts off with a bang. The movie doesn't slow down for about a half hour. You're taken down this crazy winding row about the feud the Norse Gods have with the Frost Giants. I love Norse Mythology. I have about three books on my Kindle about Norse Mythology that I'm about to wet my pants to read. I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Norse mythology is also a reason I'm a fanboy of The Wheel of Time. Robert Jordan weaves so much of the mythology into the series you can have a field day hunting the myths out.

Chris Hemsworth played the ideal Thor. I loved the guy. I think Hemsworth looked even better than the comic. I've never been a reader of Thor, but this movie made me a fan. I've also never been a fan of how Thor looked on page. I was skeptical of this movie because of that. Chris Hemsworth made me believe the Norse God of Thunder might actually exist, and if he did, he would be none different than he was portrayed on screen.

Tom Hiddleson approached the part of Loki in an interesting way. He based his character on Shakespeare's Henry V. It's been years since I've read play but I thought it was very fitting for the character. Hiddleson's performance should give the viewers a balanced mixture of sympathy and dislike for Loki.

The rest of the cast were all nice additions. Natalie Portman, of course, holds her own with Hemsworth and Hiddleson. I've never been disappointed with any movie Ms. Portman has acted in. She had me at The Professional. Another member of the secondary cast who did not disappoint was Anthony Hopkins. He was stellar as Odin the All Father.

One aspect of this movie that I loved was the humor. There were a number of scenes where I laughed out loud. I think this is going to make the movie very assessable to the casual viewer. One scene in particular is where Thor is hitting at a hole in the wall restaurant. He's had his first cup of coffee ever. In appreciation of this fine cup of Joe he slams the mug upon the floor and shouts, "I'll have another!" I believe every single person in theater laughed. It's much funnier than my small snippet.

My only complaint about the movie is that the Frost Giants looked like the demons from the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Each time those guys were on screen I expected Sara Michelle Gellar to ram a stake through their chests. Thank God she never did.

Thor is a nice christening for the 2011 movie season.

Grade: A+

I'm looking forward to the rest of the movie season. Here are other movies I'll be checking out:

THE HANGOVER PART II

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

SUPER 8

GREEN LANTERN

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PART 2

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

COWBOYS AND ALIENS

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES*

30 MINUTES OR LESS

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

*I'm a devotee of the original Planet of the Apes. If this turns out to be a horrendous adaption like Tim Burton's piece of trash I'll never see another having to do with apes taking over the world.

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