The Terrible Tragedy That is Transformers Three

It was insanely difficult to find a movie poster for this review. Either it's a sign that I should not be posting what is going to be a hate filled slur towards Michael Bay -- okay, I'm am somewhat exaggerating -- or, this was a sign that this movie should never have existed. At least not with Michael Bay behind the camera. Of the 15 movies the guy has directed I've slightly enjoyed two of them: The first Transformers and The Rock.

Preface: My History With Transformers . . .

I have none.

As a kid growing up in Toccoa, Georgia I had no love for Transformers. I don't remember ever having Tonka toys. If I did I can't recall any significant memories about them. I never remember having any Transformers toys. Even as a kid I can recall having memories that vehicle toys were pointless. I mean all the frakkin things did was roll around. There's not a lot of imagination that you can put into that. I had a slew of He-Man, Ghostbusters, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys. Man, those toys created for some good times. I even remember having some BraveStarr toys. The sad things is that I haven't met anyone that remembers BraveStarr. I'm pretty sure that cartoon created my love for the western genre.

Going into Transformer movies I have no inherent love for the franchise. There's nothing special about it to me. Therefore, it doesn't pain me to say that I haven't loved any of the movies.

The first Transformers movie was decent.

The second Transformers movie was  a disaster.

The third Transformers movie was overly long and had so many pointless moments I wanted to spit my Coke at the screen. I don't make such statements lightly. I love Coca-Cola.

The Review: The Terrible Tragedy That is Transformers Three . . .

Now, the movie wasn't completely terrible. Shia LaBeouf is an actor who has potential. I think he can really turn into something someday. I'm not sure if he'll become great. But I enjoy him in what I watch. My problem with the guy is he plays the same type of character in every movie. I would love to see him take on a movie that would challenge his abilities. The good thing about the Transformers movies is that they've given him a name, and he can take risks with the films he chooses. Leonardo DiCaprio did that after Titanic. I think he's benefited from that. Not sure if Shia will take the same path.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was nice to look at. It bothered me that in her posing shots she wore stilettos, but during the action scenes she wore flats. I hate flats. They make a woman look so frumpy. I love heels. Sexxxxy! Another thing that bothered me is that through all the disaster she went through she came out without scratch, without bruise, unscathed, and sexy as hell. Give. Me. A. Break. This blame I place at the feet of Michael Bay. He doesn't know how to make a believable movie. All he knows how to do is make a film look pretty. Bright lights. Big explosions. Action shots with quick cut aways are his specialty. In every film he's made he has a hot babe that remains hot not matter what. I like it when my heroines get dirt under a nails. Women get sexier the dirtier they get. Evangeline Lily from Lost was sexiest when she was covered in mud and dirt. Rosie walking out of collapsed buildings unscathed made me shake my head.

The plot of the movie was pointless as were every human actor. The only point of this movie was to have as many poses of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, have Shia LeBeouf scream like a banshee, actions scene where stuff gets blown up, and Autobots and Decepticons battle to the death.

Transformers length was absurd. My wife and I went into the movie at 7:50 PM. We didn't get out of the movie until near 11 o'clock. Michael Bay needs to learn that if your movie is going to exceed two hours you better have a damn good reason. He did not. I wanted to pound my head on the seat in front of me. Arrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!

The most terrible thing about Transformers was Michael Bay. He doesn't know how to make a movie. He knows how to make music videos. That's what the guy did before he got into making pictures. His method of movie making is to make a two hour music video. If I wanted to watch a music video I'd sit down and turn the t.v. to MTV. Oh wait, they don't even show music videos anymore.

This movie isn't worth your time. If you want to watch a Shia LeBeouf movie watch something else. If you want to see it for Rosie Huntington-Whiteley go to Google images instead.Your time can be better spent.

Grade: D-

Next week, if I can talk my wife into it, we may go see Horrible Bosses.

The rest of July is going to be a good month. Three straight weeks I'll have my butt in theater seats at my local Cinemark. July 15th is the final Harry Potter movie, July 22nd is Captain America: The First Avenger, and July 29th is Cowboys and Aliens (the second movie I'm most excited about this Summer).